2020 was not my favorite.
To be honest, the last four years have been extra draining for me. But 2020 has been exquisitely ugsome. I am a woman, a progressive, a mother, an entrepreneur, married, and I run my own business. I am my only employee. So every idea goes through a sometimes overly critical evaluation process. I am aware enough of my own personality and tendencies to know that I am not good at all the many different roles I must fill to make this all happen. I am good at about half of them. The rest I manage the best I can. Sometimes, I allow (or I have no choice but to let) other areas of my life to take precedence and my little business gets paused. Most of the time, I have been able to jump start it with seasonal sales and fairs. But this time, with a toxic political climate, a national social revolution and locked down because of a global pandemic, my little business has basically been hibernating since the last April. I am okay, and recognize the privilege I have of being in a marriage where my partner’s income is suffucient to sustain our family. My goal, however was to be making a much bigger financial contribution to our household by now…
When lockdown began, I took the wait and see approach. I started participating in community art projects sponsored by the Milwaukie Arts Committee and my own spiritual community. I painted rocks and hid them throughout our community for folks to find. I shepherded my sons through the transition to online learning, one in the middle of his senior year of high school and his brother as a freshmen. I parented them, made us fabric masks, braced for holidays without friends and family, made signs for protests, and participated in protests. This lasted for a while. But my hibernating business was not making any money. So when it was clear that all the craft fairs and festivals I usually participated in were not going to happen at all, and more and more folks took to the internet for their shopping, I was determined to dust off my website, give it some much needed attention and really go for the online holiday sales. That’s when I had my own very personal tangle with dear old 2020. Yeah, I guess Fate had other plans for me. Last August, just after celebrating the accomplishment of our middle child graduating from High School despite all the changes from the pandemic, I managed to fall and ended up with a concussion. I blame the mosquitoes.
I had been re-potting some plants outside on the driveway with my son when the tiny vampires started eating me alive. Well, I know they love me, so I ran into the house, and doused myself with my very effective natural bug repellant. I was barefoot, and apparently managed to coat the bottoms of my feet with the slimy substance during the process. Note: there are 6 painted wooden steps between our house and the garage floor. Yes, it was the slow motion train wreck you’re probably seeing now in your mind’s eye…I don’t remember anything except the “thunka-dunka-dunk” sound that various body parts made as I descended. I can recall the feeling of my feet disappearing from under me, becoming tangled and then all the sudden stopping at the bottom. I am quite grateful that my brain has chosen to protect me from the rest of the details. While I landed in one piece, I was not prepared for the symptoms or the lengthy recovery.
My dear business would have to wait. I spent what felt like years alone, in the dark, letting my brain heal from the trauma of bouncing with me down the stairs to our garage. After about a month, I had a couple of good days and decided to get some crafting done in my studio…and promptly hit my head again (cringy eyeroll) whilst retrieving a pen from under my work table. Back to square one. I felt old. And useless. And unproductive. When the symptoms finally stopped, many weeks later, I slowly began to do things again. (I need to say that my husband and sons were lovely, took care of me, took care of many of the things I usually handle, and managed beautifully to keep our ship alfoat.) By now, election season was in full swing. Black Lives Matter movements across the country were suffering from police, federal and anarchist-led violence. Hate groups were becoming bolder and more vocal. The stress was not helping my recovery. I had to continue to limit my screen time.
Eventually, the light at the end of the tunnel became visible. I cried grateful tears when the Presidential election was called in favor of democracy, decency and humanity. I kept my business on hold. It never felt like the “right time” to announce a clearance sale or promote buying something as frivilous as jewelry with everything else that ws going on in the world. eventually, in late-ish November, I began posting photos of my work on social media, daily. I got a few orders for holiday gifts. Loyal customers came through! And yet…I still felt like I was waiting to exhale. In early January, I decided to have a true clearance sale. Then an insurrection/coup happened. So I pressed pause until after the new President was installed. Then, when memes of Bernie Sanders and his mittens started taking over the interwebs, I finally felt like maybe it was okay to embrace change again. It was time make room and space for a new version of my business to emerge. Then an ice storm hit and we lost power for 8 days. Yes, 8 days. I was surprisingly (or maybe not) the zen queen of the power outage. I cooked meals outside on the camp stove, heated water for “spa time” in my grandma’s tea kettle outside, and bedecked our home with countless strands of battery operated twinkly lights. (we had no electricity, and no hot water, but did have a little gas heating stove that somehow kept us warm in freezing temperatures) I took hundreds of artistic photos of frozen ferns, sun through frozen trees and our new kittens. Oh, the kittens. Thats another story. But once again, without power, my business was on hold. When we were back on line, I marked down everything on my website and sold a few things. I may not return to doing things as I had before. I am still working on how things will go from here, but the work I did in the spring and summer (pre-concussion) has pulled me in multiple new directions. I am excited to try some new things, expand and hone my work. My intention is to grow, learn and create, and to continue to support causes I believe in with some of the proceeds of my work.
So, goodbye, 2020 (and early 2021) You were too much. Yes, many good things happened during this once in a lifetime kind of year, but I am most decidedly ready to move on, continue learning and figure out what my personal and artistic “new normal” is going to be. Here’s to new beginnings!
Gorgeous light coming through the ice-covered trees behind our house.
Frozen fern in our backyard during the ice storm that knocked out our power for 8 days.
Rocks painted for Hidden Hearts Milwaukie project.
Sookie, our siamese kitten.
battery powered twinkle lights hanging from our kitchen lights…
Stella.